we were already living paycheck to paycheck. my husband had two jobs, but we were just making enough to live off of and with the hopes of one of his jobs becoming more we decided we could probably handle one more child. so we conceived our third child very quickly, but after two very hard miscarriages. we knew we could save some money and make it work. we had to move to a bigger place so we did, the problem was that i could not work because i was placed on bedrest halfway through my third pregnancy. then my husband found a better paying job with hopes of something permenant after the holidays. he was sick a lot though so that limited our funds even more. we got behind on our bills and got as much help as we could from different charities with the hopes of getting caught up and my husband feeling better so we wouldnt lose everything. turns out my husband has chrons disease so this is going to continue for the rest of his life. so when we found out his job could not keep him on full time after the holidays we knew we had to suck it up and ask my mother if we could stay with her for a few months until we saved enough to get back out on our own. my husband couldnt find a job, and i had a newborn and two other children to care for so i couldnt even look for a few months.
i finally found a job, but it wasnt full time and i ended up spending more time doing work at home i didnt get paid for than actually working. my husband finally got a job, and that made things even more complicated because we needed someone to watch our two youngest children while we were both at work. that stopped when i found out my stepfather had to have radiation because he could no longer help us. i quit my job because it just made more sense for me to stay home. so now we are stuck again. we have enough to pay the few bills we have to pay, but it is not enough for us to live off of on our own. we are still doing whatever we can. i am working part time two jobs and my husband is hoping for a raise soon.
again we are stuck. three kids and a dog. one car that constantly needs work and three jobs between us, but it is never enough. our faith is getting is by right now. every time we need anything god has been good enough to provide. so we will continue to pray and have faith that god will put us where we need to be, but it is frustrating not to have our own place. constantly having someone criticize the way you do things and making you feel like you are not good enough and you never do enough. that is why i am writing this. i need an outlet for my frustration.
i know i am not very well liked by many people, but i am so sick and tired of holding my tounge just to keep the peace. i do things my own way and eventhough i have failed financially a few times, i know that i am good at many, many other things. i feel like i am drowning sometimes though. it is almost impossible to feel welcome when my kids are not allowed to have their toys out or their artwork proudly displayed on the refrigerator. i am not even aloud to cook a meal for my husbands birthday without someone trying to take that away from me. what is the most frustrating is not having my mother realize how big of a problem this has been for almost twenty years now. i am a good mother, and a good person, but i am not at my best right now. i need to get out of this house. god will provide and there will be new frustrations, but this is just about more than i can handle.
